Divorce - more dangerous than any market fall.

I make no apology for writing this post from a male point of view. Men are always told they don’t understand women, so why fight it? It's just a forerunner to another argument that starts a new disagreement. This posting isn’t technically about the markets, but there is a real chance for some blokes out there that this event would do far more damage than any market crash, and it's already been shown there are plenty of wives out there looking to cement their financial futures before hubby loses the lot for them. Remember, markets are down 40% so far from their peak, whereas this little beauty will see you lose upwards of 50% if you don’t do it just right. Some will feel the full wrath of the law and your then ex-wife.

It’s that time of the year when divorce lawyers say they are at their busiest. The stresses and strains of Christmas have finally broken the relationship, or just to keep the kids happy couples have held together over the holiday period. So here’s my guide on how to self assess your divorce risk.

If you aren’t much of a mathematician, try the Preliminary Divorce Quotient test (PDQ)

Question 1: Are you married?

If ‘Yes’, you have a roughly 35% chance of getting divorced. And, I’d wager, a 10% chance of accidently chopping your own head off whilst shaving, if you are particularly annoying. This is also a function of the size of your insurance policy, and how often you leave the mail on the floor for the wife to clean up.

Question 2: Do you have what is commonly known as a ‘trophy’ wife?

Tricky one, and anecdotally I would estimate you have a 70% chance of divorce.

Question 3: Do you have a trophy wife, one child……… and a nanny?

Sorry mate, it’s all over. Get everything in trust for the kid now.

Here is the maths test; there are two parts to it that you multiply together.

Divorce Probability =

PART 1: ((a/b)/c) x (m/(m1/m2)) = y

PART 2: ((j+k+l+m) x (1-n)) / (s x (t-ta)) = z

y x z = Ka-Fuckin-BOOM!

Where:

a= number of children
b= number of nannys
c= percentage of your gross salary wife spends on vases, makeup, brunch and hairdos

m= Total mates (friends)
m1= mates who have tried to shag your wife
m2= mates who have shagged your wife

j= annual earnings
k= trust fund balance
l= super fund value
m= prospective redundancy payout
n= percentage chance of getting another job soon and not sitting around the house all day buggering up her schedule of yelling at filipino maids

s= nights per week wife goes to ‘book club’
t= your attractiveness based on comments from wifes friends (max 10, min 1)
ta= your own view of your attractiveness (max 10, min 1)

It’s probably flawed, but it works in my head. Yes, I know I’ve excluded items such as credit card and department store card balances, but if they are so high they can materially affect the formula, you don’t need the formula. Just a drink. And a long meeting with a trust lawyer and accountant.

Still not sure? To establish how much trouble you could be in (and this is really for those contemplating marriage) and you need an easy, one off test to establish how the prospective missus reacts under pressure – hire this guy.

Formulas from the ladies perspective are welcome to be sent in.